There are two types of arguing. The first type, which most of us—for good reason—like to avoid but often find ourselves engaging in, is the kind where we approach the argument with the attitude, I know I’m right, and I’m certain you are wrong. The second type enters the argument with the attitude, I think I’m right, but I might be wrong. Let’s take a gander and see where each of these approaches might take us.
Any argument that involves a person with the I’m Right, You’re Wrong mindset is a completely pointless argument—unless, of course, the point is to make two people madder and more defensive than they already are, or—if people are watching you argue—to garner stronger buy-in from people who already agree with your side of the argument, which politicians and influencers love to do. Maybe this is why presidential debates are such a joke and often degrade into some form of name-calling.
In I’m Right, You’re Wrong arguments, no one ever wins and no one ever listens. I mean, why would you even need to listen if you are 100% certain that you are right? Listening would be pointless—unless you’re half-listening to nitpick their words so you can prove why you are right, in which case you really aren’t listening. No one ever wins these types of arguments because winning would require convincing the other side that you are right, and if you are arguing with another person who is certain they are right and you are wrong, no amount of arguing will change that.
On the other hand, if you are arguing with a person who has the attitude I think I’m right, but I might be wrong, and you are unwilling to understand their perspective, your argument will fail to convince them because they are interested in exploring all sides whereas you are interested in only one. The second they see through your unwillingness to explore other ways of seeing is the second they will dismiss you and your one-sided point of view, because they don’t want to waste their time in a conversation that can go nowhere.
And why would a person even want to win an argument with an I’m Right, You’re Wrong attitude? Certainly not to discover truth or find a better way to think and see the world. I think the motivation is base and visceral: it starts with I’m right and ends with therefore, I am better than you. Who would want to be around a person whose purpose is to make themselves out to be better than you are? I mean… yuck.
So what happens when we change a couple of words in that approach and instead come to an argument with the attitude that I think I’m right, but I might be wrong? We’ve already looked at what happens when both people don’t share that attitude. When both people do share it, however, arguing can become a beautiful experience that helps both people rise to a higher level of understanding of the world around them.
I had an experience at work where my staff and I shared different opinions about the best way to approach a part of our program. For three hours, we went back and forth defending our positions while simultaneously examining one another’s valid points. As the discussion continued, we shared moments of frustration as we attempted to help others fully understand our perspectives, followed by moments of inspiration and new insights when the lights finally clicked on. With each passing minute, both of our perspectives shifted toward a more grounded, centered view, and by the end of the three hours, we had arrived at an opinion and a plan for moving forward that both sides were excited about.
If we had not done this, I’m certain that we all would have left that meeting frustrated with one another, and those tasked with doing the work would likely have either resisted, done a half-baked job, or eventually left their jobs in frustration.
So here’s my invitation to you: if someone wants to argue with you and they think they are right and you are wrong, either physically walk away or tell them you don’t engage in arguments with people who think they are right and you are wrong. And because they likely don’t believe that they are that type of person, if you do decide to engage, invite them to repeat your side of the argument before they dive back into theirs to see if they really listened. Most likely they didn’t, and that will become painfully evident when they fumble for words—but it may embarrass them enough to ask you to repeat yourself so they actually hear you. And when they do, they may discover that you share more in common than you disagree on.
May your own arguments be filled with beautiful insights and wonderful discoveries.